People You Meet in a Coffee Shop
People You Meet in a Coffee Shop
They Put the "Roast" in Medium Roast
The Broken Barista
Who could forget the severely overworked and underpaid barista at the front counter? All they wanted to do was pay their way through college and receive that Bachelor’s of Fine Art in Creative Writing, but now their job description includes part-time human coffee maker, part-time therapist, and full-time emotional punching bag. How the hell can they juggle operating a high-powered espresso machine and high quality latte art all while being berated by the asshole lawyer in front of you yelling at his soon-to-be-ex-wife on the phone. Maybe they should go back to sharing their poetry in coffee shops instead of working in them..
The Noob
We all either know them or are them. Every single time you go to a Starbucks, they puff out their chest after announcing, “Of course I know what I want to order!” As soon as they reach the counter, they choke. They thought they had more time. They swear there were two more people in front of them! They start quivering and sweating profusely as soon as the barista asks, “Is there something I can help you with?” After a few excruciating minutes of hemming and hawing, they finally give up and ask for a small drip coffee. Hey, you’ll get ’em next time, champ!
The Coffee Connoisseur
Sworn enemy of “The Noob,” they somehow always end up behind them in line, rolling their eyes every time they hear a pointless question like, “What’s in a macchiato again?” This bean buff is always a little too vocal about their vanilla bean affogato-style frappuccino which, according to them, has one too many vanilla beans (Don’t they use vanilla bean syrup here?) If they’re so picky about their coffee, why don’t they just stick to making it at home? God knows they spent the GDP of a small country on a professional-grade espresso machine and they pay extra to have their favorite beans shipped from their favorite boutique coffeeshop in Portland straight to their door.
The Insta-famous Photographer
Every major city has them. These elite “shooters” have an online empire of followers thanks to their high-contrast, black and white photos riddled with nonsensical hashtags. They’re easy to spot thanks to their surplus of camera gear. What are they doing, shooting a wildlife documentary for The Discovery Channel? You can always hear them spewing tidbits of seemingly useless advice for building an online dynasty as a swarm of local photography students follows them around, furiously scribbling notes the entire time. If they’re so successful, why do they never pay for their own coffee?
The Food Blogger
Never, ever interrupt them as they’re deep in thought, contemplating their next award-winning blog article on the newest veggie-forward restaurant in your city. They have an uncanny knack for being both friendly and oddly standoffish while they share their unsolicited opinion of the tartine with turnip top marmalade, whipped ricotta, and marinated radishes. How can you tell them apart from your run of the mill internet-addicted millennial? They’re the ones standing on their chair lining up the perfect shot of their latte and eggs benny. After all, if something is eaten and it doesn’t end up on Instagram, did it even exist in the first place?
The Non-Profit Worker
You would be at a coffee shop 24/7 too if you had to rely on donations to run countless clean water projects all over Africa. Cutting costs at every corner, they always sneak in their own snacks and opt for the bottomless cup of coffee. With a constant over-caffeinated twitch in their eye, they pour over a never-ending pile of spreadsheets, trying to magically make a few more dollars appear in their marketing budget. Why didn’t they follow their dad’s advice, put aside their misplaced sense of altruism, and finish law school?
The Resident Beggar
This fatigue-clad army vet posts up by the entrance, soliciting everyone who walks through the door for “a few bucks or a cup of coffee.” Because you let your guilty conscience get the best of you that one time, you are now target numero uno. Despite the same song and dance every single day, they never seem to remember who you are, repeating the same vague war story each time you run into each other. When you both make it up to the front counter, they order that cup of a coffee…with a chocolate croissant…and an egg-and-cheese breakfast sandwich…and a mocha frappuccino for later. No wonder they talk your ear off for 30 minutes straight. They’re more caffeinated than “The Non-Profit Worker.”