Things I’d Rather Do Than Listen to You Rant About Crypto

Feb 23

Clean my apartment.
FaceTime my parents.
Try CrossFit. Even once.
Unironically read Infinite Jest.
Watch every episode of Seinfeld.
Take an MBA course taught by Elizabeth Holmes.
Clean every bathroom stall at Mar-a-Lago. Twice.
Run a 5K while sipping Malört through a CamelBak.
Listen to the entirety of The Joe Rogan Experience on .5x speed.
Eat gas station sushi for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for an entire week.
Do Bikram yoga for two hours while the instructor tases me every five minutes.
Work a Black Friday shift at Barnes & Noble. But not a standalone store — one of those stores that is attached to a mall.
Listen Gilbert Gottfried read all of Apple’s Terms & Conditions face-to-face.
Bathe in the self-loathing that comes from the look on my dog’s face while I’m clipping her toenails.
Suffer through a two hour Zoom meeting where my co-worker is chewing soggy cereal…and there’s no “Mute” button.
Sit in front of a TV playing Fox News on a never-ending loop while my eyes are pried open, à la A Clockwork Orange.
Listen to my friend pitch me the entirety of their amateur screenplay, which is “like Handmaid’s Tale meets Euphoria!”
Lose all of my money in crypto because I have no idea how actually crypto works.